This is part of a collection of rebuttals, responses, and replies. See the index.

What’s the difference between Headship Submission and Unity?

In discussing the Headship Submission Model and the Peaceful Unity Model, commentator Trey Magnus asked a simple question:

Why does it have to be one or the other? I don’t see the any of what you wrote above as being mutually exclusive to the rest. I can love, serve and sacrifice for my wife as well as lead, make decisions, and discipline all at the same time.

It is a good question. I’m going to deviate from my normal habit of addressing the fine details of the argument and pointing out specific errors with it (e.g. disciplining wives), but instead address it generally and thematically.

Why can’t the Headship Submission Model be a stepping stone to a Peaceful Unity Model, just an earlier stop on the same train route of married life? This is partially, but not completely, answered by my previous comment:

I’d add the caveat that my suggestions — when I’ve made them — were almost universally unpopular and thus remain untried. I wouldn’t suggest relating to one’s wife the way many here promote, nor would my dating advice go down well. In short, the commentators here do not think my solutions are solutions.

While I have frequently argued that the Headship Submission Model is not biblical, there is a more practical matter. The general behaviors and solutions required to implement a marriage under the Headship Submission Model tend to produce habits and behaviors that oppose the Peaceful Unity Model. In general, the acts of a person who seeks the former model will not be compatible with the acts of person who seeks the latter. In my opinion, transitioning from one Model to the other is highly unlikely to happen.

Why is this? When Jesus described the exercise of authority in Matthew 20:25-28 and John 13:12-17, he specifically contrasted two extremes: domineering—asserting one’s will over another in an arrogant way—and the  superior act of being a slave. The two models are not close together on a spectrum between these two extremes.

In light of Jesus’ words above, when Paul talks of submission in Ephesians 5:18-33, he says that it is mutual—to one another. Rather than asserting one’s will (the act of actively exercising authority towards another), being a slave implies passively giving to another, assertive only in the sense of the power to cause internal conflict and change in another by way of ones example (as in 1 Peter 3). The former is focused outward, while the latter is focused inward.

Why does my pastor have authority? Because I submit to him. At no point does he—nor can he—assert his will to rule over me and still be following Christ. For example, he has precisely the same authority to confront me with my sin that any other Christian has. So rather, it is by my will to submit to him that enables him to fully serve me. And so too does every member of the church—man and woman—submit to each other, each according to his or her honor due. The one who is submitted to the most is the one who leads: not because he is exerting his will, but because his is the most submitted to.^[1] He is the one with the most honor: the greatest servant of all.

I’m inclined to believe that a husband who asserts his will in the Headship Submission Model will have great difficulty transitioning to a Peaceful Unity Model because the nature of his authority in each model is fundamentally different.

As should be plain, the Peaceful Unity Model is impossible if one or both spouses refuse unity. Yet, I fail to see how the Headship Submission Model can function as training wheels for a contentious spouse. Perhaps we can find some testimonies from married persons who have eventually managed to achieve unity in their marriage by implementing Headship Submission Model, but I’m not aware of any. And so, achieving unity requires a completely different set of tools.

Footnotes

^[1] When Paul, in Ephesians 6:1-4, speaks of children obeying their parents and parents parenting their children, he uses the Active Voice. However, when Paul speaks of submission, he uses the Middle Voice in Greek. But virtually all the English translations lose this sense and nearly everyone who agrees with the Headship Submission Model reads it as if it was in the Active Voice. This comment by Red Pill Apostle is a good example (emphasis added):

Peaceful unity in marriage only exists when one person is the recognized authority. In fact, one person in authority is the means of achieving peaceful unity. What you describe here is much like parenting, and if we think about husbandry for any amount of time, we’ll see much of being a good husband requires the same qualities, approach and skills as being a good parent.

It may well be the case that the “Headship Submission Model” is what you get when you interpret Ephesians 5 in the Active Voice and “Peaceful Unity Model” is what you get when you interpret it in the Passive Voice. In this case, the axiom underlying each model is whichever voice you think Ephesians 5 should be interpreted as.

See here for more information on Greek Voices.